From Victory

Since July, I've been fighting my desires, trying to stop eating emotionally. When I wanted to eat, though, I still focused on the food and my efforts. It was my effort to turn to God instead of letting God work in me.

A few weeks ago, a different desire was awakened. I got up the nerve to go talk to my handsome neighbor and ask him out. We went out... a lot... until he moved to Chicago. For those two weeks, instead of taking in food to get that dopamine high from ingesting food, I felt lovely from the inside out. And part of that was related to the amount of time spent in prayer and the Word and trying to refocus my thoughts from the handsome neighbor and onto God.

For decades, I have cheated on God with food. I focused on food, was fascinated by food, made food, gave food, ate food, sought out food. But because it is food and inherent to, you know, living, it was hard to recognize as an idol and to turn from it to my loving, gracious heavenly Daddy. Recently, though, the attention I used to give food channeled into a crush, a little bit of lust, and some thoughts completely foreign. My mind ran over his perfectly triangular nose, the flecks of gray in his beard, his broad shoulders, and I'd find myself waking up from a daydream blushing and wondering where that came from, immediately (ahem, usually immediately) taking those thoughts, hopes, dreams, and prayers to Daddy God.

I wanted to be pure in the face of such a desire, so there was a lot of prayer. There was a lot of prayer while looking at myself in the mirror. And all of those things I've read over the years--beauty comes from within, God loves me unconditionally, my skin is gorgeous, regardless of whatever flaws I'm feminine and womanly--clicked. Regardless of any extra weight, I'm beautiful. Regardless of that zit on my cheek, I'm beautiful. And even when I'm 90--still going strong, mind you--I will be beautiful. I am already beautiful.

I am already beautiful.

In acknowledging God's opinion of myself, I realize I already have the victory. My beauty is not tied to my weight. And that was the start of my freedom from food. I'm not using food to control or affect or create beauty when God has already granted it. Currently, as I type this up, I can admit I'm hungry. My morning protein shake passed through my stomach, and I started to feel hungry about half an hour ago, but it's just an appetite that can wait. And it does wait, while I thank God for the blessings of the day; what a blessed thing it is to rest knowing the good doesn't have the control.

To God be the praise and the glory.